


You’re Not Easy, But You’re Worth It: Canon Lesbian

by Bloodyshadow1



Series: cr femslash week 2019 [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Could be seen as platonic, F/F, Graphic Character Death, Maybe - Freeform, Not a Relationship, beauyasha - Freeform, but a start, but he's an asshole, cr femslash week, mental trauma, slight beau/jester, start of a relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 00:10:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17456909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bloodyshadow1/pseuds/Bloodyshadow1
Summary: When what should have been an easy mission turned dark, Beau is forced to deal with old wounds that never properly healed.  Being forced to face her past is never good for her and it leaves her broken.  It's up to the people who love her to help her put herself back together.





	You’re Not Easy, But You’re Worth It: Canon Lesbian

**Author's Note:**

> My prompt for Day 2: Canon Lesbian. read and review

The ride back from Fort McLair was quiet, disturbingly quiet, even for a quiet person like Yasha. It was supposed to be a simple job, but now…, the air around their cart was heavy. Yasha spared a glance at Beau whose foul mood radiated off of her making things feel dark. It wasn’t the monk’s fault, it was that damn wizard’s fault who tried to play with her mind back at the fort who was to blame. But he was dead, Beau killed him before they found her it was an uncomfortable sight to behold. Beau was a private person, a person who did her best to maintain a persona of not caring and cool strength, to be seen vulnerable like that by her friends hurt her more than they realized. 

She wasn’t angry with them, Yasha knew that, Beau let Jester hug her and speak softly to her after they found her like that. She didn’t lash out or snap at anyone, she just hated that her friends had seen her raw and vulnerable like that and it radiated off of her miasmically.

It was supposed to be an easy job, there were rumors of ghosts haunting the old dilapidated fort and the nearby villagers were frightened of what lurked inside, so they hired a band of adventurers to deal with their problem. The Mighty Nein agreed to clear out their ghost problems for a promise of a reward and set out thinking it would be easy. After all they had two clerics on their team and Yasha was with them for now, they thought they could take on any undead that was haunting the old fort. Maybe they could have but it turns out that the old fort was haunted alright, but by cultists, not ghosts.

There were over a hundred of them, all dressed head to toe in the same black robes, infesting the ruins of the old fort. A cult of Morthog, a god none of them had heard of. They botched their stealth checks when they investigated the leader preaching to his word and he immediately ordered his flock to kill them. The Nein might be formidable in battle, but they were still outnumbered a hundred to seven, Yasha didn’t know who ordered them to retreat, but there was a call to run so they ran. 

The Fort McLair was a maze of death traps, how anyone lived there before or lived there Yasha didn’t know, but there were pit traps, spears that shot from the walls, logs that would smash you if you tripped a string. It was awful trying to make it through, Beau was the first to fall through one of the pit traps, she pushed Caduceus out of the way when he was about to fall and disappeared in the floor below. 

That was the first time Yasha thought her heart was going to explode, she trusted Beau as a fighter, she was…, magnificent when she was in battle, but the monk had a lot of weaknesses that the group made up for. Yasha didn’t like it when the little monk was out of her sight in battle. But they didn’t have time to go after her, Caleb and Nott both messaged Beau who told them that she was fine and that she would meet them outside, so they continued their escape, Yasha ignoring the pit in her stomach. They all got separated eventually, Fort McLair was likely poorly constructed in the best of times and the traps didn’t help. Fjord and Caduceus got separated by a falling wall, the ground collapsed the moment Jester and Caleb crossed them leaving a pit on the other side of a hall, which left her and Nott together. 

It was rough at first, the little goblin was prone to panicking worrying about the others, especially her poor squishy wizard manchild, and Yasha wasn’t the best people person to calm her down, but eventually they managed to recenter themselves, so they could what needed to be done. It turned out that the two of them were a deadly combination together in battle. Yasha’s blade fueled by her tranquil fury found itself buried in a dozen cultist bodies stopping any that tried to ignore her to get to the smaller target. While Nott’s crossbow bolts flew true whenever a robed figure tried to slip a poisoned blade in the barbarian’s unguarded back before slipping back into the shadows to mark her next target. 

After a half hour and a dozen different message spells flying around they managed to regroup with the others, except for Beau who was still lost. By that point most of the cultists were dead, unconscious, or fleeing. A hundred robed figures might have been able to crush the seven of them like a wave crushed a sandcastle, but separately hunting four separate groups of intruders took away most of their power. Jester and Caduceus managed to heal up the minor wounds they suffered, and they decided that it was safe enough to search for Beau who remained lost to them. The rest of the party didn’t seem as worried as Yasha was, at least on the outwardly, Jester said she was sure that Beau was fine, probably doing some cool monk shit and took out a million cultists on her own. Nott even joked that Beau was probably using her secret agent training to use and assassinating dozens of bad guys a second. Yasha tried to believe them, but there was a sense of uneasiness in her stomach that wouldn’t go away. 

When they approached a chamber, they heard the sounds of fists hitting flesh and rushed in knowing it would be Beau’s handiwork. But once they got inside they saw something they never thought they’d see, Beau was on top of the robed figure smashing her fists into where the man’s head would have been turning his face into hamburger. She was covered with the man’s blood and tears were streaming down the little monk’s face as she shouted, “I’m not broken,” or “I’m not worthless,” over and over as if it was some sort of twisted mantra. 

They were all in shock, Yasha didn’t think she’d ever see Beau cry, she didn’t think any of them did. “Beau,” Jester was the first to break out of the stupor, “Beau he’s dead, you don’t need to punch him anymore.” But Beau either didn’t hear her or didn’t care as she kept slamming her fists where the man’s head used to be the squishing sounds soon gave way to duller thuds of knuckles hitting stone.

By that point Jester was getting closer but Yasha was faster and grabbed one of Beau’s raised fists so she wouldn’t strike the stone beneath her again. She didn’t expect Beau to lash out and try and swing at her with her free hand. Yasha could see Beau’s large blue eyes lost in their rage, she was paler than usual, much paler and her face snarled like a wild animal. Yasha had always known Beau could hold her own in a fight having fought beside her so often. She was fast, tricky and determined a deadly combination, but part of her always thought that fighting with your bare hands was foolish. Yasha had been punched in the face before, a fist can’t do the same damage as her great sword or the spells the rest used, and you risk damaging your hands, your only weapons, each time you attack. But when she saw Beau’s fist fly towards her face she suddenly realized why Beau did what she did.

The fist never made contact, Beau somehow managed to shrug off whatever madness she was under and stopped her attack an inch away from Yasha’s eye, though the quick stop splashed some of the cultist’s blood on the barbarian’s. “Yasha,” Beau said weakly, “what happened,” she said staggering. “Shit are you bleeding,” the monk exclaimed in shock when she saw the blood on Yasha’s face, she reached up to touch what she thought was a wound but stopped when she saw her own hands first. She was covered in blood from her elbows to her knees, her eyes went wide remembering what had happened.

“Beau,” Jester interrupted quietly, “are you okay Beau?” She watched the whole scene worried about her friend and when Beau lashed out at Yasha she almost screamed. 

Hands covered in blood Beau desperately tried to wipe the tears away as if it would remove the memory of her crying and what she was saying from her friend’s minds. “Yeah Jester, I’m fine,” she said lying to her best friend’s face. “A little banged up and tired,” she admitted, “I got a few cuts and bruises, but hey, I found the leader,” she gestured to the now headless man’s body, as if it would make things normal. “He kind of got the jump on me and used some weird magic that fucked me up for a while, but I managed to break out of it.”

“Do you mind if I rummage through his pockets,” Nott asked nervously as if she had never seen the monk before, “I’ll give you what I find since you got him, but you’re looking a bit wobbly.” 

“Actually, yeah Nott that would be great,” Beau said exhaustion written all over her face, “my head’s kind of spinning so I think I need to sit down,” she said almost falling over. She probably would have if Yasha wasn’t still holding on to one of her wrists.

“Come on,” Caduceus said walking over to the exhausted monk, “let’s get some healing into you.” For a moment the amethyst on his staff and his outstretched hand glowed as he touched Beauregard. As the healing magic did it’s work a few of her cuts closed up and the paleness lessened, leaving her skin a healthier darker tone. “There we go, I’m pretty tapped but once we get to the cart I can do a bit more, but you should be fine for now,” he assured in his oh so soft tones. 

“Thanks Cad,” Beau said still looking a bit uneasy, she tried to give a smile in appreciation but all she managed was something that would give children nightmares. She did look slightly better at least.

She still seemed a bit unsteady though, “if you’re not feeling a 100% I could carry you to the cart,” Yasha offered knowing how much Beau loved being in her arms. Purely for Beau’s benefit of course.

But while she would normally jump for a chance to be carried by Yasha, instead Beau’s face turned angry again, “I’m not weak or broken,” she roared, “I don’t need to be coddled!” It took her a second to realize what she had said and instantly her face changed from anger to regret, “I-I’m sorry Yasha,” her voice full of remorse. “I didn’t mean to yell, I think that bastard’s magic might have done something with my head.”

Beau sounded genuinely apologetic and miserable, “it’s fine Beau, another time,” Yasha offered to save her friend from embarrassment. Beau lashing out at her stung, but she knew that whatever happened in the room had hurt Beau in ways magic couldn’t cure and tried not to take it personally.

“Thanks, I think I just need a good night’s sleep,” Beau said trying to sound believable and failing horribly, “and a bath,” she said looking down at herself. The cult leader’s blood had seeped into her clothes from her pants to her vest and arm wraps, she didn’t often care about her appearance, but it was kind of noticeable and made her look scary instead of unkempt.

“All things we can get at the inn,” Fjord said breaking in when she saw how uncomfortable Beau was getting. “I think most of those assholes are gone and since Beau took care of their leader here I don’t think they’ll be coming back. Hopefully this will be a wakeup call for them and most of those people will just go home.”

“Or maybe they’ll come back and be the antagonist down the line in fifty episodes,” the ceiling/sky voice called out and there was laughter for a moment. As always like the rest of Exandria the Mighty Nein did their best to ignore him, it was a nice male voice, kind of sexy while being nerdy and friendly, but since none of them knew why or how it happened, there was a universal agreement that no one was to interact with the Sky Voice and just go about their lives when he makes a comment.

“A moment Beauregard,” Caleb said approaching the other human of the group, “there are many spells that can affect the mind in nefarious ways, some just go away when they are broken while others have a sinister happen of coming back on their intended target. I just want to check to make sure whatever magics the man used against you did not have a lasting effect. It will only take a moment, if it is alright with you.”

It looked like Beau wanted to argue, but she was so tired and she knew how Caleb felt about mind effecting magic, “fine as long as you’re quick about it.” And they managed to sit her down on a box, Yasha finally letting go of her arm so Caleb could do a quick examination.

He asked her a few questions, his eyes glowing while they did, ‘did the man say anything, what gestures did he make, did he look like a powerful mage?’ To which Beau answered, ‘I don’t remember,’ ‘he pulled a roll of paper out of his pocket to cast the spell,’ ‘why does it matter, he’s dead now anyway,’ trying to pretend like she was her normal stubborn self.

“Something from his pocket you say,” Caleb said stepping away from Beau finishing his investigation. “I don’t sense anything wrong with you per say, but it would help if I knew what spell he cast on you. Are you sure-,” he started to say but Beau cut him off.

“Look Caleb, I appreciate the concern, but I feel fine and but I’m exhausted. I agreed to your little examination and you said you didn’t sense anything,” Beau said in her usual abrasive tone. If I remember anything in the morning, I’ll tell you but for now I really just want to get out of here before he stinks up the place worse than you and get a good night’s sleep.”

“Ja, of course Beauregard,” Caleb said relenting his investigation for now, though he still seemed suspicious.

“Great, let’s get out of here,” Beau said forcing herself off the box and strode out of the room on uneven legs. 

“Wait Beau, you shouldn’t go off alone,” Jester said running to catch up to her. If she hadn’t Yasha would have as she moved to follow them.

Before she left though she heard what the others were saying in hushed tones, “well what do you think it was Caleb, you’re the magic expert,” Fjord asked as quietly as he could.

“I don’t know,” Caleb admitted with a sigh, “I was not lying when I told her that there are many types of magic that effect the mind, certain spells can only be cast by wizards, others by clerics, so I have no idea what was cast or even where to look. The scroll makes things trickier, as it could be any spell known to arcana, and when they’re used they tend to be used up completely.”

“I found some remains of it maybe,” Nott said breaking into the conversation. “Jester and I also found a few rings which ran off with, a necklace, and a large purse of a hundred platinum,” which was the last thing Yasha heard before leaving the room. She wouldn’t be much help sifting through magic spells, she’d be more helpful guarding Beau and Jester from anything that might pop up.

About a half hour later they had combed through the remains of the cultists for anything valuable, they got a lot of knives and some poison, and in total the other cultists might have had a hundred gold between them. Beau was clearly agitated and tired, but she rested on the cart and kept her mouth shut. Jester took a spot next to her, “I don’t want you to be pouty all alone,” she said when Beau questioned her.

“I’m not being pouty,” Beau said humfring to prove Jester right, but she didn’t protest the cleric’s company. Yasha felt an uncomfortable feeling in her guts at that, a feeling she didn’t like and pretended didn’t exist. It was good that Beau was letting Jester comfort her, it was a good thing and Yasha should be glad was letting someone do it, even if she had snapped at Yasha when she tried. 

It was a long ride back to the village, even with Jester doing her best to keep Beau’s spirits up the monk was clearly ready for a week of sleep. The villagers crowded around them all asking questions about the ghosts, not giving them a chance to answer. Beau looked like she was going to kill someone if they didn’t get out of her way so Yasha, Jester, and Nott took her to the inn they were staying at leaving the charismatic party members behind to explain what happened and collect their payment. 

The Rusting Tankard wasn’t exactly the most inviting name for their needs, but it did claim to have hot water for bathing and rooms for sale which was good enough for them. They didn’t have a laundry service, it wasn’t Zadash, but the baths were nice, tubs, not a large communal bath like a bathhouse would have but hot water all the same. When the inn keeper saw the state Beau was in she offered to only charge half the normal fee for the bath if the monk promised she wouldn’t set foot in her common room again until she was washed. 

Caduceus offered to take care of the bloodstains on Beau’s clothes, he said something about the red not mingling well with the blues. It would take a while, but he said he could do it. Beau told him he didn’t have to, it was just clothes and she could buy another outfit, but he told her it would be fine. They all knew Beau was full of bullshit, she could get new clothes of course, but her clothes were her monk uniform, she’s been wearing them since before they all met, there’s something sentimental about that, even if she didn’t want to admit it. So, Beau took a hot steamy bath that got the blood off of her and made her feel like a person again, Jester offered to bath her but the monk turned her down saying it would be weird. After which Beau was stuck in a pair of work breeches and a brown shirt that the inn keeper’s son had long out grown. Beau had been offered a dress, with which the inn keeper said she’d look so much prettier if she actually dressed like a woman, Fjord managed to use that old half-orc charm to let them not get kicked out after the things Beau said to the woman. 

After that it was a quick dinner, after which Fjord and Caduceus insisted Beau go to bed, of course despite the monk saying she needed sleep she fought them all the way. Eventually with Jester’s help, Yasha managed to wrangle Beau upstairs to the room and force her into the bed. “A pair of strong beautiful women dragging me to their room, are you sure I’m not already dreaming,” Beau asked them cheesily. Both Jester and Yasha agreed that they didn’t blush at that stupid line and anything that Beau saw that might be mistaken for such things was because of her mental trauma. 

After that Beau fell asleep right away which was understandable. Jester stayed up a bit longer drawing in her sketch book to show the Traveler before conking out too. Yasha took up her sitting position on the floor as always, Beau and Jester often offered to switch or share the bed with her, but she always turned them down. She was used to the floor and it was fine enough, a wooden floor was softer than the ground she normally slept on. 

Yasha fell asleep eventually, it was always a struggle with her nightmares, but it always came eventually. But she was a light sleeper, in Xhorhas you had to be, or you might not wake up. Beau’s feet crossing the wood roused her from her slumber and Yasha’s eyes flashed open ready for danger, but there was just Beau leaning against the wall sweeting. It felt strange for Yasha watching Beau in the darkness, knowing that Beau couldn’t see her. Yasha knew that she was doing nothing wrong, she wasn’t watching Beau as she slept, Beau woke her up and she had yet to go to sleep was all that it was, but it felt strange all the same.

Yasha watched Beau standing there in the darkness and wondered what she was doing. At first Yasha wondered if Beau just needed to use the bathroom down the hall, but when she saw the monk take her boots with her when she left the room Yasha knew something was up. She left a quick note for Jester in case the tiefling woke up and followed the monk. Yasha wasn’t the best at being quiet she wasn’t awful but she was just too big to be graceful outside of battle. But while Beau normally was perceptive, she only had human eyes and was distracted, she didn’t even bring her goggles when she left. 

Yasha followed the Monk outside of the inn and eventually outside of the town, in the moonlight, one moon was even full making it easy for her. When Beau left the town limits Yasha started to get worried, maybe Caleb had been right and the spell had done something to Beau’s mind. When Beau got to the edge of the forest that neighbored the small town Yasha wondered if she should stop Beau from leaving town, she wondered if she should go back and find the others, but she didn’t. Yasha didn’t know why she didn’t, but she followed Beau into the dark forest all the same.

The tiny monk kept going through the forest for another few minutes until she found where she wanted to be. It didn’t look like anything special to Yasha, but Beau seemed to think it was perfect for whatever she was doing out there. Sitting down Beau mediated for a few minutes, she was never good at it and could never do it for very long even now, but it did help to center herself, to let her feel like her Ki was a part of her rather than a resource to use.

The monk of the Cobalt Soul focused the best she could, the nightmares still whispered in her ear, but maybe if she wasn't just imagining it, maybe they were a bit quieter, So it didn’t work, Beau didn’t walk all the way out there to mediate, and with that she got up from her sitting position and turned to the trees and started swinging away..

Yasha watched all of this with a sense of fascination, she had seen Beau fight many times, but that was always practiced martial arts. This Beau was different she wasn't using any of the martial arts that the monks beat into her, she looked beautiful in the moonlight was all Yasha could think of. Beau was beautiful she always had been, Yasha never denied that despite being resistant to the monk’s advances. Beau might be short but that was no problem for Yasha But there was always something that felt like Beau was holding back part of herself. 

This Beauregard was different from her normal self, Beau had always seemed surprisingly reserved in the eyes of the barbarian, but now this raw, angry Beau who was trying to exhaust herself was like Yasha was seeing her without holding herself back like she was watching Beau rage without being in battle. The vulnerability Beau was was exhibiting was something that made Yasha feel dirty observing without her knowledge, but it was hard to look away. When the first tree fell Yasha was in awe seeing what Beau could do with her bare hands. But when the tears started to fall from Beau’s face and she collapsed to the ground weeping, though Yasha knew she couldn’t watch this anymore, watching her punch trees wildly was one thing, but this was too private.

Of course, the gods had a sense of humor though, despite being able to follow Beau silently since she left their room, a rouge twig gave her away. “Who’s there,” Beau shouted, her throat raw from crying and sounding exhausted but looked ready to unleash her anger on a real foe.

Sighing, Yasha stepped out from behind the tree that had been her shelter and into the moonlight, “it’s me Beauregard.” 

“Yasha,” Beau said more than asked sounding confused, “what are you doing out here?”

“I you woke me up when you left the room,” Yasha said thinking honesty was the best policy. “After what happened today I was worried that you weren’t in the right mind. I thought maybe you were leaving.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to walk away, I know that’s your thing,” Beau said and it hurt Yasha’s heart to know she was right. Noticing the hurt on Yasha’s face Beau felt ashamed, “I’m sorry, I’m upset that I was being spied on, but I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s fine,” Yasha lied, “you didn’t say anything that was untrue.”

“Yeah, but I didn't’ say it because it was true,” Beau said ashamed, “I said it because I wanted it to hurt you, so I’m sorry.”

“Beauregard,” Yasha said softly, “what happened today with the cult leader? I won’t tell anyone but you need to talk to someone if only so you don’t have to carry the burden alone.” when it looked like Beau was just going to wave her off, Yasha decided to play dirty, “Molly taught me that you know,” it was true, but it also wasn’t fair.

“That’s some cheap shit, Yasha,” Beau said with a huff.

“Perhaps,” Yasha admitted, she knows how much Molly’s death weighs on Beau, “but it’s the type of cheap move that gets results, which he would care about more if it was with someone he cared about.”

For a moment Beau was quiet, and Yasha thought she pushed too hard, “it was my dad,” Beau said with a hint of finality. “Whatever the good Reverend’s spell did to me…, I saw my dad. Except, I wasn’t me anymore, I was back to being a little girl and he seemed so much bigger than he is in real life, just as much of an asshole though.” And like that, the dam began to break, “he was yelling at me again like he always did, calling me worthless, that I was nothing, that I was born broken, all things he’s said since I was eight, but then he called me unloveable and I don’t know why but something broke inside of me and I flipped out on him. I’m not sure if I broke the spell or if I just swung hard enough at what I thought was my dad to disrupt the reverend’s spell, but it happened. I didn’t stop swinging though, not when he surrendered, not when he begged for mercy, not when he stopped saying anything,” Beau said softly as she remembered the squishing of the man’s remains beneath her.

“Why do you think it bothered you so much, what the projection of your father said,” Yasha asked at a loss. She wanted to help Beauregard, she wanted to help her so much but she wasn’t good at this sort of thing. She wasn’t like Molly who could get anyone to talk just by being him and she wasn’t like Caduceus that managed to help everyone he talked to.

“Because he was right,” Beau shouted as she turned away from Yasha, tears were starting to fall down her face again and she didn’t want Yasha to see. “Because I’m broken, I’m worthless, and I’m nothing. But he was right, I’m unloveable,” and Yasha had never heard Beau’s voice sounding so weak and defeated.

Before Beau could say another word though she felt Yasha’s massive arms wrap around her from behind, “don’t say that Beau,” Yasha whispered into her back. “Don’t say that son of a bitch was right because he isn’t. You are amazing, you are beautiful, and you are loved, so don’t listen to those voices in your head that are telling you otherwise. They’re lying to you, so don’t listen to them.” She didn’t know what to say, but that didn’t mean she didn’t want to try to help and she just let the truth flow out.

Yasha could feel the smaller woman weeping in her arms and didn’t say anything, she didn’t need to trip over the words, she just needed for Beau to know she was there, and that someone cared about her.

**Author's Note:**

> Gonna level with you, I sort of rushed the ending. It’s close to 10:00 pm here on thursday night which means Critical Role is on so I needed to get this up and posted because I don’t want to write it during the episode. So here’s my work for the prompt Canon Lesbian, which Beau is and she’s my favorite character. I think Yasha is too, and I headcanon her as a lesbian, but all we know is that she does is attracted to women, obviously since she was married to one. This was an odd piece, originally it was supposed to be from Beau’s perspective and end after she broke the spell, and honestly it was supposed to be more Beaujester than Beauyasha, but I decided to make the change for some reason. I’ll do a Beaujester one shot later but for now this is my second story for CRfemslash week. Read and comment if you want more, it helps more than you would think.
> 
> PS for those who might be curious, the spell that was cast on Beau was Weird, a ninth level spell. The Reverend who I call Joffell was wealthy and stumbled upon treasure he didn’t realize the worth of, but he was also an idiot who wasted a 9th level spell because Beau pissed him off in the first draft of the story.


End file.
